Children to follow footsteps of parents?!
While reading a post on "Rambling with Bellur" Blog (link provided on my page), i had made a comment on why people want sons and daughters to be like their parents. i am posting a part of that comment here.
the very title A son need not be like his father made me wonder why we are all so bent upon finding the parent in the child always. Why do we expect the son to be like father and the daughter to be like mother?! Why do we not allow the son to be the son himself and daughter to be the daughter herself?? At one point we all say ‘variety is the spice of life’ and at other times we do not want to see variety but expect everybody to conform to certain ‘standards’ that society has defined. Anybody not conforming to these standards are shunned and not accepted easily. Instead, if we find variations why not we celebrate the differences?
Perhaps this is due to the fact that we all desire immortality in some way or the other. If a doctor’s son/daughter becomes a doctor, the father feels a pride in perpetuating his profession through his son/daughter thus preserving himself through his profession to posterity, amounting to a degree of immortality. He is going to outlive himself through his child! Same may be the reason why people hanker after constructing houses or hoarding jewellery. When their children live in those houses after them, they would still continue to live through those houses or when the daughter wears a mother’s jewellery, mother’s memories are kept intact thus immortalizing the person!
When this is the state we are in, we can imagine how difficult it is to de-identify oneself from this body-mind-intellect complex – as directed in our spiritual texts !
7 comments:
"the very title A son need not be like his father made me wonder why we are all so bent upon finding the parent in the child always. Why do we expect the son to be like father and the daughter to be like mother?! Why do we not allow the son to be the son himself and daughter to be the daughter herself?? At one point we all say ‘variety is the spice of life’ and at other times we do not want to see variety but expect everybody to conform to certain ‘standards’ that society has defined. Anybody not conforming to these standards are shunned and not accepted easily. Instead, if we find variations why not we celebrate the differences?".
Reading the above, I recollect an anecdote in the life of late G N Balasubramaniam ( GNB) the music maestro who mesmerised the audience during 1950s through his unique style of classical music rendering.
In his secondary school days in Mylapore, Madras, listening to the classical music giants iof his days, he aspired to be one of them.
His father, an erudite English scholar and headmaster of a famous secondary school in Mylapore was terrified of his son's expectations, and tried to dissuade him from his 'worthless pursuit'. He wanted his son to pusue studies like he did and take up a similar job. Young GNB stood his ground, and seeing this the father extracted a promise that at least GNB should study English honours ( a prestigeous university course in those days of British Raj) before embarking to fulfill his dream. He hoped that after dabbling with classical music, the frustrated youngster who will have no chance to match the music stalwarts of his days will return to his roots to become an English scholar and a headmaster just like himself. To his utter disappointment, young GNB after taking his English honours degree, learnt the classical music assiduously and saw his future in music performance. His father finally said 'what is destined to happen is happening and good luck to you' GNB's rise and rise as a scintillating performer, and the place he carved as a stalwart among the stalwarts is the stuff of a legend. His father sadly did not live to see his son's achievement.
"If a doctor’s son/daughter becomes a doctor, the father feels a pride in perpetuating his profession through his son/daughter thus preserving himself through his profession to posterity, amounting to a degree of immortality. He is going to outlive himself through his child!"
History is littered with examples where the above simply is not the case. In some cases it ends in disaster of one kind or another and in other the son/daughter do not measure up and become non-entities. Take the contemporary example of the Bush dynasty. The elder George Bush was thrilled when his son had presidential ambition just like him. He pusuaded his ex-defence secretary to become his son's running mate as the vice president. When the younger Bush won the presidential race, the elder Bush
offered his son, his army general Colin Powell as the Secretary of State and his once defence secretary Rumsfeld as defence secretary again. It is rumoured that the elder Bush was happy that his son was attempting to do what he regretted he could not do -toppling Saddam Hussain by invading Iraq. The younger Bush's presidency cannot be called a success in any sense of the word. America has lost its young men in foreign shores in numbers the first time since Vietnam war, and younger Bush is in hole he dug himself in. So much for elder Bush's immortality.
Winston Churchill, the great war time leader of Britain wanted his son Randolph to follow his footsteps. The faltering young Randolph was growing under a banyan tree. He failed as a politician and ided as an alcoholic. The great Churchill expected so much from his grand son who bore his name. The young Winston Churchill had ambitions to be like his grand father. like other historical cases, Winston Churchill never became a minister ( he was shadow defence secretary in Mrs Thatcher team when she was the leader of opposition). His wayward life cost
his future and he faded away. Though alive, nothing is heard about him. Lastly, saint Tyagaraja had sons, but that is all one reads about.
Thank you, Mr. Ram, for those anecdotes on GNB, Bush and Churchill’s grandson. They go to prove that elder’s expectations can not always be fulfilled by their children / grand children. And some do achieve success, like GNB, inspite of going against the parents’ wishes at some point in their career.
I always tell parents who grumble about their teenagers not heeding their advice on the course that the parents decide for them, to stop grumbling and allow their kids to grow up! Parents, who insist on making decisions for their youngsters and even imposing it on them, do not realize that they are curtailing their children developing very important life skills of critical thinking and decision making that are needed by them in their adulthood in all spheres. It is these very parents who grumble even more later on in life when their children make poor choices and do not succeed in life. If only they had let their children take their own decisions, after explaining to them all pros and cons involved in it, and been there by their side even if they stumbled, the youngsters would have achieved better success and made a mark in life.
prabha arcalgud says this (she sent this comment on email):
While there is one kind of parenting where doctor wants his son to be a doc and mom wants daughter to wear her jewellry, there is an other kind of parenting which is equally difficult to all involved. That's when a parent(or even worse both parents) wants his/her children to be everything he/she could not be. They want them to have everything they ever dreamt of having growing up and then live the dreams they used to dream as youngsters. This creates so much pressure for both parents and children. There is always an underlying sense of fear in such relationships. Parents fear for the safety of the children not willing to let go. Children fear disappointing parents by crossing the line. Children should be like a packet of seeds of flowering plants that one possess. You plant the seeds, nurture the seedlings and give them the best care you can give. All along you don't know what colour or size or form the flowers will turn out. But when the flowers bloom you sit back and enjoy the variety in size, shape, colour and fragrance! Just pure JOY!
Seeking joy and happiness in an other person's happiness is one of the hardest convictions to follow in life.
we named our son Abhinav which means NEW :)
Seeking joy and happiness in an other person's happiness is one of the hardest convictions to follow in life.
- But once we manage to do it, it becomes a source of true and unparallelled happiness! :)
sanjay m said,"But once we manage to do it, it becomes a source of true and unparallelled happiness! :)" in response to Prabha arcalgud's words, "Seeking joy and happiness in an other person's happiness is one of the hardest convictions to follow in life"
"once we manage to do it......." yes, i agree it is a noble deed. but for an ordinary person, who has his own dreams and wants to achieve it, this kind of an imposition of parents' dreams and expectations becomes a big burden and many a times he is unable to fulfill this, nor pursue his own dreams with a one pointed mind. it becomes a dilemma and he becomes guilt ridden and this leads to lot of psychological disturbances.
so it would be better if parents allow their youngsters to have their own dreams and support the youngster in fulfilling his aspirations.
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